On Waiting For Miracles
A couple of weeks ago I realized with a shock that I’ve spent the last 39 years putting any opportunity for deeper self love on hold because I have been waiting for a miracle.
I’ve been waiting for a miracle that will allow self love.
This miracle that I’m talking about that will allow my miraculous self love will only happen when I lose all the weight that I think I should lose, when my skin is smooth and my flesh is tight and my boobs are perky and I don’t have a double chin. It’s the miraculous self love that is going to happen when I express myself in the world fully and when I say yes when I mean yes and no when I mean no, when my clothes are perfect and my hair does what it is told.
This is a big statement. Because I’m all about the self-love right? I’m all about loving what is in the here and now. I’m all about acceptance. I’ve been on this trip, learning how to love myself just as I am for the last 15 years. And yet here I am, having just realized that I have been waiting for a miracle that will allow self love.
Does any of that sound like any conversation you have ever had with yourself? I don’t think I’m alone in this one? Have any of you ever made made a bargain with yourself about what you will be ‘allowed’ to have in your life when certain conditions are met? Conditions that are so far from what is the truth about your worth and value that they will take a miracle to meet?
I talked about this with a friend last night and initially she said no, this doesn’t ring true for me at all. And then she said ‘wait a minute, I just told you that I won’t be able to in a loving relationship with a man until I sort my finances out. I’ve been telling you and myself a story that I am not lovable by anyone, including myself, because I don’t have enough money in the bank’.
It’s subtle and as I've paid attention I have realized we don’t even notice that we are doing it.
The thing about miracles, especially this kind of miracle, is that it isn’t something that can be found in normal day to day life. Its only going to happen when very specific special standards have been met in our lives, and because they are so special, they are never going to be met. Instead, we just keep on waiting for our miracles.
It’s never going to happen.
I know they say a definition of insanity is repeating the same action over and over again and expecting a different response.
I’m going to suggest adding to this definition of insanity: waiting for a miracle to happen so that one day we can love ourselves. Maybe, instead of waiting for that miracle, the answer is not living the insanity.
Because what if this is the body that I have? Just as it always has been, from now on, what if this is my body? That the only changes that happen are going to ones of age and as a reflection of what I do with her? What if the body you have right now, is actually just the body that you have? What if, no matter what we do, this is the body that we have?
Maybe, all we can do is love ourselves and our bodies just as they are, instead of making these bargains that we will love that more perfect future version of ourselves when we get there?
I know, I know, easy words to say right?
Last week when I realized what I have been doing, I also knew that I didn’t want to live that insanity anymore. So I’ve spent the last 5 days diving back into an old practice that I had put aside but that I know works in changing the insanity.
Each morning I look at myself in the mirror naked and I tell myself 3 things that I find beautiful about my body, and I describe the reasons why! And then I say thank you to that body part. 5 days in, it is changing my life. Again. The insanity is easing and that miracle doesn’t seem like the only way I will find self love.
And I have so much gratitude for my beautiful body, and also so much gratitude that I am doing the practice everyday to free me from the insanity of waiting for the miracle.
This dance of self love, it is such a dance, there are always more steps to learn! There are always more and more layers of myself to examine and more and more of myself to learn how to love.
If any of this conversation about the insanity of waiting for a miracle to happen to allow you to love yourself spoke to you, why not give the mirror/gratitude practice a go? If you do and even if you don't, I’d love to hear what you got out of it, share in the comments below!